Morning skies beckoned for me to take a walk. There was sunshine and warmth with dark clouds gathering on the horizon. It was going to rain sooner or later.

I felt a tug to go visit a place of my last weeks ceremony. The Full Moon in Scorpio has been stirring me for the last two days even though it doesn’t complete its cycle until later tonight, its energy bringing up old wounds and pulling me deeper into shadows. To reconnect with my life’s intentions as well as the Spirit felt like the best start to my day.

Nature welcomed me with soft morning song of birds, scent of blossoming trees and all embracing peace – Sacred feminine in her glory. I felt like dancing. And so I did, taking off my shoes and playing some of my favorite music I danced for myself and the spirits of the place. When people showed up on a path I took it as a cue to continue walking.

It’s amazing how quickly the nature changes. Last week there were few green leaves budding sporadically while today flowers smiled at me from the ground. What grace of new life amidst the old and decaying leaves and grasses of last season. So uplifting as well as inspiring. They made me think of a saying that each ending is a new beginning.

I reached a top of a hill curious to see if the feathers would still be there. I had stuck four feathers in the ground for the four directions. There was a flicker feather for the East, red cardinal for the South, Blue Jay feather in the West and a Hawk feather in the North. Today the Blue Jay feather was missing. I pondered about its messages. West is a direction of Transformation, death and rebirth. It is also a direction of Grief and Ecstasy, two energies I called upon at time of my ceremony, feeling stirred by their connection and my resistance to both of them. Although they seem like two opposite ends of a spectrum, they seem to be walking hand in hand stretching out awareness deep and wide.

Blue heron lifted off a pond at a foot of the hill gracefully gliding through the air to the opposite shore where it perched up in the trees. Lone hunter has been one of my guides for many years now. His or her flight disturbed geese who were feeding in a pond. I walked down the hill to the sound of their screams. Nature too expresses her discontent with disruption or change, while continuing in living to her best potential. Is it Faith or is it Wisdom? How does She find her peace amongst the endings and beginnings?

Reflecting on the play of light and dark and their presence in a daily life I could feel my heart closing off and opening, back and forth. Let go into the eternal flow was my message last week. But how? How do you overcome your body’s reactions that seem out of control of a conscious mind? What do you do when your body decides to numb itself from uncomfortable feelings? Movement or stillness? Feel it all and let it go was my inner answer. Breathe!

Maybe it comes with age, celestial dance or it just happens randomly as a part of life’s experience, but regardless of why, last two months had me question everything about my life. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What do I really want in my life? Where am I going? Why had I created what I had? What is my next step? All of these questions really stir my emotions and add to the levels of daily stress. For the first time in my life I’m recognizing AGE. I have never really planned for anything. Always going with the flow and loving what is. Why is it suddenly that this approach makes me uncomfortable? Where is my fear stemming from? Why am I now doubting myself? Feel it all! Feel it all and let it go! Sit with the questions without inventing an answer. Let the questions transform you. Breathe!

All of this unfolds rather quickly in ones mind. You can travel across the time and space, visit memories, dreams, have conversations, change your perspective….in matter of minutes if not seconds. Reflections kept me company until I reached the tree where  I left an offering  following a ceremony last week. Gathering flowers along the way I made a small bouquet to please spirits of the place. Would my offering still be there, I wondered. Placing flowers on an empty altar I looked around me. Nothing has changed and everything has changed. My prayers had been received. There is an ending and a new beginning happening all around me. Can I be one with it? Can I allow grief and ecstasy to reside within me at the same time? Can I stay open to an ending as well as the unknown of a new beginning?

The cycle of life takes us around a medicine wheel. Keep moving like the celestial bodies traversing in their orbits. Keep growing through the crust of the past to bloom again, to produce fruit only to die once more in the end. Embrace the life in its ongoing dance between ending and new beginning.

  

On an evening walk the other day I found myself engulfed by Stillness. I stopped here and there to soak in the evening light and each time felt myself softening into Her warm and welcoming presence. Compliments rolled out of my tongue on their own and so would polite excuses for having to keep on walking. She was everywhere. And I couldn’t get enough of Her. I was fascinated. And I kept taking photos:).

 

 
I remembered a little book I have at home – Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tole. I decided to look into it when I get home. It took me a little longer than I intended but time is irrelevant. In a meantime I was mulling on some inner thoughts about this experience, in search of something to share with the world on top of the imagery. Funny how mind wants to think of something. Needless to say, I have no special words. It’s as if Poetry had hung a sign on a door “closed until further notice”. Well, how convenient. What do you do when your inner Magic takes a vacation? You become creative!!!:-) or crafty!!!:-).

  

Here is a thought, and it’s not entirely mine either – why do we seek answers? I mean, what motivates us to look for an answer? Why don’t we look for questions? Why is question not enough? Well of course it is! It’s actually more than enough. It is all the fun there is to any answer, really! 

 

 

So here are my questions:

“What is it that you are most longing for?”

“What is stoping you?”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Listen ………… Stillness Speaks

  

  

  

I’ve always found hiking in mountains  refreshing and revealing. It offers me the best metaphor for life, one I draw upon in times of need.

There is something so powerful in embarking on a hike. No matter the elevation or how strenuous the trail may be, you are entering a realm of nature where our human rules don’t apply and you just never know what’s ahead around the next bend.

Today was no different. I chose a familiar trail without expectations just because I haven’t been here in last 7 or 8 years. Morning greeted me with a sunshine and warm temperatures, but by the time I arrived at the trailhead skies pulled over this foggy veil as if the clouds were coming down. I decided to wait it out for a bit. It started to snow. Since I was in no hurry to be anywhere at any given time, I waited for the snow to stop. Maybe 45 minutes. If it got worse I would take my hiking elsewhere.

With snow clouds being gone and sun’s warming ray’s back I set off to climb up to Crystal Lake. No one before me, no one behind me, I set my own pace to what my body would allow. My lungs needed brakes. Not proud of that fact but the altitude here felt rather painful this time. Nonetheless I kept moving forward. Today’s hike started with a dry and clear trail, a delightful change from snowy trails of yesterday. 

As soon as I start to climb my head starts weaving stories about what could be, what I should do when I get home, what I need to say to someone, what changes to make ….it just keeps on going. When it gets tired of one topic it moves onto another one. Today we, my brain and I, discussed three different topics. In a continues flow. 

For about a third of a way there was no snow. The scent of pine mixed with warm sandy earth was intoxicating. I kept telling myself “I love this!” every time a wind delivered this strong aroma to my nostrils.  I crossed path with a big horn sheep. What a graceful creature. This ram was one handsome stud but could care less about me. We looked at each other for a little moment and then he decided to continue in his descent down a are slope of the hill I was traversing.

When I reached a river crossing, things have changed. For one, the old bridge was gone to flood a few years back and there were noticeable trees across the path. There was also a sign warning against crossings a river but it was obvious that people were not stopped by this. Someone took time to place fallen tree trunks over the boulders to create a temporarily crossing. 

There was no excuse not to cross. From now on though, the wet melting snow would challenge my stamina, my mind and my will to keep on going. 

I took as many brakes as I wanted to without indulging in any but rather to allow my body to adjust to this unusual environment. I was glad to be alone even if a little uncomfortable. I must say I was surprised that none of my constant mental topics included bears. I looked around each time I heard an unusual sound but that was all. 

Slowly the snow got more and more prominent and soon the cute gravel path disappeared all together. I noticed that there were few flags on the trees marking the trail at eye level, but somehow those went away as well. I wondered where this path left by other brave souls before me was really going. I kept on moving forward, one step at a time, one heavy inhale after another. 

There has been times when a strenuous activity would bring my all attention to the body that I’m carrying. I guess I wasn’t pushing my limits as I couldn’t get my head stop talking. I reviewed last weeks conference, made notes of everything I need to take out of it, went over a several meetings, contemplated some design ideas, thought about my cats and how much I like them, rehashed my relationships with men and really fussed heard with my mind for not giving me any clear answers, back to what I need to do in a showroom, and how will I catch up on a painting class I’ve been participating in for the last three weeks, and what colors do I want in the background of my painting. What should I do about my own place when it comes to designing, and speaking of my place, I really need to think about developing new money habits ….. I mean my mind was all over the place. I was feeling more and more tired and more uncertain about this path when I just had to pause for a moment as I recognized that the trail was actually showing me something about myself.

There it was – faint and unclear with no vista for what may lie ahead.

This is how I feel I thought. I may have even said it out loud. Not just in this given moment but in my day to day life. I’ve chosen a path that is now taking me through a terrain which is unclear. In that moment I also remembered why I got on it in a first place and that I do have a pretty good idea where I’m going, but just now, it’s hard to see through the woods of transformation. 

Eventually I ran into a group of four college students who were happy to share that the trail everyone follows doesn’t lead to the promised lake and to take a right turn at a specific location marked by a steep hill with signs of someone sliding down. I thought how original- don’t go the hard way, steer to the right. There is no political suggestion in this, trust me!!!

When I got to that mentioned point I had already dropped through a melting snow few times. My feet were wet again. The slope didn’t seem steep at all after all the climbs of the day and there was no trail to the right. I used my phone to google my location (technology is amazing when you have batteries:-). I was about half a mile above the lake. I gave it a shot to make my own trail but the thought of weaving my path down the hill through deep woods at this time of my hike with possibility of having to climb it all back was unappealing to me. When you are alone it really makes you look at things differently. I turned back and made my way into the clearing I came from. What if this is where I need to be? What if this is my destination? I did feel a sense of disappointment for a bit but decided to focus on finding the right boulder  to rest on. 

 

 

Return was easier although I fell down a few times as my feet would brake through the snow crust. Somehow it made me laugh and realize that the Earth is always there to catch me – something I’ve learned in aerial yoga class. With my feet down on the ground the rest of me is not so far fro it either. I was glad to be back on dry and solid trail once I crossed the river again.

So how is this all a metaphor? We climb to different heights through our life. Going from a peak to a valley, a valley to a peak and all over again. There are always challenges and we are asked to really be honest with ourselves and those around us what we are capable of. Is it time to push on forward or time to retreat and maybe wait for a better timing? Or go climb another mountain all together? Those are our choices. And yes, we do have choices. 

So wherever you are and whatever mountain you are climbing or descending, follow your heart and let it guide you wherever you need to be.

This song guided me through the deepest woods and snow🙏:

http://youtu.be/E1_vIK1u-z8

Skol!

I surrender…

I surrender to the Sun in the sky
who’s warmth and light awakened the seeds of creation within the soil of my dreams…

I surrender to the fire of my longing
a burning inferno now licking at my bones, consuming skeletons of my past…

I surrender my aspirations and ideas, my beliefs, my wishes and my fears to the winds of change, setting them free like a flock of birds….

I surrender all my weapons and my steel armor, my army of fierce warriors, my ammunition and my fortress, they had served me well….

I surrender to the rolling thunder of my heart and the rush of my blood, rising and falling, letting myself be breathed by Mystery herself….

I surrender and lay myself upon the altar of life,
As a Holy Grail, an offering to Shiva, who’s golden glow trickles down my skin like honey….

I surrender….
with a last prayer on my lips…

“Drink me and set me free!”

I surrender….