I woke up from a dream in which I jumped into a cold river expecting water to carry me but instead I ended up being caught by an undercurrent. I also hoped for someone to pull me out from my trap and that didn’t happen either. I may contemplate the significance of that dream later but that’s not the point. The point is that I woke up into a sense of aloneness that was almost hard to bare. Very much aware of the fact that I am living a life of choice and fully responsible for my current arrangements I couldn’t shake this ache off. In fact I didn’t even want to nor did I have any energy in me to force the shift upon myself. And so I laid there full of this uncomfortable feeling.
“What is it that I really feel?” I asked myself. I couldn’t find an answer. Life’s little snippets passed in front of me, but nothing major to really offer any insight.
I got up and paced through my house for a while as if in search of a purpose or a direction. “What is the meaning of my life? What is the point? Where am I going?”
On the outside the winds were gusty and strong, picking up last year’s leafs up in the air, making them twirl like some ghostly butterflies. Soon water was spiting at my windows as the winds threw a rain against a side of my house. A perfect reflection of the inner turmoil I was experiencing in my heart was being re-enacted outside by Mother Nature.
And so I moved between a chair and a couch and back to the chair and finally back to the couch to just sit as still as I possibly could to allow myself the luxury of feeling. It truly is a luxury in this fast paced world and it is one that I choose to keep a part of my daily practice. One thing I have discovered in my pursuit of Divine Feminine is that it is always here and it is about feeling. It seems incredibly simple in that way and yet we have trained ourselves so well not to feel that it sometime seems impossible to reach Her. She is but a breath away!
And so I sat, breathed and felt. When tears arrived I allowed them. I may live by myself but I’m discovering that there are so many different characters inside me that I’m never truly alone. It’s become a game to try to find out who it is that is feeling this. Today though I didn’t really care about details and just allowed for it to be there in the moment.
Once I allowed myself to be all emotional, frustrated, lost, confused, hurt, lonely, undisciplined, lazy, and the list could go on, once I allowed the feelings to be there, the turmoil went away. The winds calmed down and rain had stopped.
I decided to go for a walk and face the elements. As I walked through this day without any glamor it occurred to me that I had been struggling with impatience. I believe lot of us are. And I had to ask myself “where does it come from, this need to manifest dreams instantly, or to achieve more faster, to be stronger in shorter amount of time? What is this constant demand to force our way through life to get somewhere else but here? I already know we have been conditioned one way or another to think in this linear way, so the answer wasn’t really that interesting to me. What I really wanted to know was how to change my habits and ways of thinking. It’s hopefully clear where this is going:). My answer was ALLOWING. A word that is a practice. So I allow for the cold, wet and windy in my life so that the seeds of my dreams may take their roots and grow on their own without my interfering. I allow for pain to deepen me and for time to heal anything that may still need healing. I allow for the fog of my confusion to clear out as it always does and reveal yet again my path. And I allow the life Herself to show me the way.